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[70]
“As I hope to grow in gains and not in girth, my cook[p. 135] made the
whole thing out of a pig. There could not be a more valuable fellow. If you want
it, he will make you a fish out of a sow's belly, a woodpigeon out of bacon, a
turtledove out of a ham, and a chicken out of a knuckle of pork. That gave me
the idea of putting a very pretty name on him; he is called Daedalus.1 And because he is so
intelligent, I brought him back from Rome some knives, made of steel of Noricum,
as a present.” He had these knives brought in at once, and contemplated
them with admiration. He even allowed us to try the edge on our cheeks.
Suddenly two slaves came in who had apparently been fighting at a water-tank; at
least they still had waterpots on their necks. Trimalchio sat in judgment on the
dispute, but neither of them accepted his decision, and they smashed each other's
waterpots With sticks. We were amazed at their drunken folly, and stared at them
fighting, and then we saw oysters and cockles fall out of the pots, and a boy picked
them up and brought them round on a dish. The clever cook was a match for this
exhibition; he offered us snails on a silver gridiron, and sang in an extremely ugly
quavering voice.
I am ashamed to tell you what followed: in defiance of all convention, some
long-haired boys brought ointment in a silver basin, and anointed our feet as we
lay, after winding little garlands round our feet and ankles. A quantity of the same
ointment was then poured into the mixing-bowl and the lamp.
Fortunata had now grown anxious to dance; Scintilla clapped her hands more often than
she spoke, when Trimalchio said, “Philargyrus, you and Cario,[p. 137]
though you are a damned wearer of the green,2 may sit down and tell
your good woman, Menophila, to do the same.” I need hardly say that we
were nearly pushed off the sofas with the slaves crowding into every seat. Anyhow, I
noticed that the cook, who had made a goose out of the pig, sat stinking of pickle
and sauces just above me. Not satisfied with having a seat, he at once began to
imitate the tragedian Ephesus, and then invited his own master to make a bet on the
green being first in the next games.
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